You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
