that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
