I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
