I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
