I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
