Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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