I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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