someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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