Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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