i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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