Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also, beer. Big fan.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
