I think I won the penis lottery.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
