I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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