The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
