My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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