There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
not ubering you a puppy
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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