I think im going to throw up on grandma
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
