How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
