I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
