I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
