Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
