I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
