I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
