i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
