I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
