Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
