did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
