This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
