Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
