I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
