My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
They are going to name an STD after you.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
