home. puking in laundry basket.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
