Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
