i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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