I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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