You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
