I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
