dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
