I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
