Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
