just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
