If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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