Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
