Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
