I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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