Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
True strength comes from lack of pants
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
