I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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