If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
