Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
