I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
