all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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